Point of View
by MissMoMo1990
Summary: Raph's and Leo's thoughts during one of their infamous fights. What was meant to be a one-shot is now its own series. Originally posted under "Perfection, Intelligence, Angst, and Humor"
1. Alone

2

I've stood at the wrong end of a gun before. I've been threatened and interrogated. I've had my shell kicked so hard I almost died. I've suffered the wrath of a vindictive woman. I've been chained, beaten, and tortured.

But out of all the people who did that shit to me…

…Purple Dragons, Hun, the Shredder, Karai, Bishop…

…not a single of them ever looked at me with as much anger as you are right now.

They at least let me know what I did to piss them off.

You? You ain't saying a goddamn word. All you can do is stand there with your fucking nose in the air, glaring at me. As if I should be able to read your mind. Shit, kanji is easier to understand than you.

So I try to get you to talk to me. You, of course, take it the wrong way. And there's that condescending tone you like to use so much, especially on me. I hate it when you start talking that way. What the hell makes you better than anyone else?

Oh, that's right, you got that "leader" title attached to your name. Throw that in my face one more time. Yeah, I know I ain't cut out to be a leader. I figured that out a long time ago, thank you very much. And guess what? I got over it. Why the hell can't you?

I'm trying to keep my hands to myself, but that smug ass look of yours is testing my patience.

And if you're not talking down to me, you're talking over me. Why won't you listen? I'd give you an explanation if you'd give me more than two seconds to answer you!

Now I'm yelling. I just want you to hear me, Leo, but you're screaming back even louder. For Christ's sake, shut up!

I can't deal with this anymore. If I stand here any longer, I'm going to throw a punch at you. It's hot as hell in here. I need fresh air, I can't even breathe.

Surprise, surprise, you ain't going to let me leave.

Dammit, Leo, what the fuck do you want from me? I can't ever do anything that makes you happy. All you focus on is every wrong that I've done, every time you've had to get me out of trouble. What about all the times I came to save you? Doesn't that count for anything?

I ain't going to hit you this time. God help me, I'm not. I don't want this fight to go to the next level. We both know what'll happen if it does. Splinter will get involved and take your side because you're his favorite. Don't try to tell me any different.

Well, since I can't leave the lair, I'm going to my room. I've had enough of this shit. You wouldn't believe how much relief I get just walking away from you. Keep screaming at the back of my shell. I ain't listening anymore.

Because every word you say only helps convince me that I'm better off alone.


	2. Leave

2

Just take a deep breath.

I have got to calm down. If I don't, I'm going to say something I'll regret. That's happened way too many times before. I don't want it to happen again. Even though I'd like to think that I've learned from the past, I'm still struggling with what to say. One wrong word and things will blow out of control.

You can't even begin to imagine how upset I am with you right now. Why do you do this every time, Raphael? I'm trying not to let my anger show, but it's hard when you're glaring at me like that.

One more deep breath.

I was about to speak, but you beat me to it. The first words out of your mouth are an accusation. That's not surprising. And neither is your reaction when I deny it. Ugh, I can't stand that sarcasm of yours.

I am your leader. You may not like my decisions, but do you have to challenge every single one of them? Why can't you have faith in me? I'm only trying to do what's best for everyone in this family, including you. Don't forget, I'm also your brother.

Just when I think I've won the argument, I see your hands curl into fists. Damn. Raph, I don't want to fight you. Not tonight. Not ever.

Please just listen for a second.

Yell. That's all you ever do is yell. Why can't we ever discuss things civilly? I don't like shouting at you, but I don't know how else to make you hear me.

Don't you dare walk out that door!

You know full well that no one is allowed to leave the lair right now! And those are Splinter's orders, not mine! For once in your life, be obedient!

I see your body tense. I know you're debating on whether or not to hit me. Don't take it that far, Raph. Please don't.

You're glaring at me again. All I can see in your eyes is hatred. Hatred for me. Why? Why do you hate me? Tell me so that I can understand how to fix this, fix us.

Don't walk away! We need to work this out!

Raph! Please! Don't…

….leave.


	3. Avoid

2

I didn't mean to slam the door that hard.

Even I winced when it banged shut. Amazing that I haven't reduced it to splinters yet. Or busted the lock. I sure as hell turned it hard enough. But I don't want anyone barging in here.

Especially you.

Dammit you piss me off! I feel like screaming. Hell, maybe I should. Maybe that would make me feel better. Maybe then I wouldn't still feel like beating the crap out something.

Fuck my head hurts. Feels like my brain is trying to bust its way out of my skull. This definitely ain't helping anything.

Leo you fucking, pompous prick!

Why the hell do you have to be so goddamn aggravating? Do you practice how to do that, too? Wouldn't surprise me. You're fucking obsessed with training. Always gotta be the best at everything. You can't stand the thought that someone might be able to do something better than you.

Well, you know what? I am sick of you acting like you're such hot shit! Someone oughta knock you off your high horse! And I'd be more than happy to do it!

Fuck!

I'm starting to go crazy in here! If I keep pacing like this, I'm gonna wear a rut in the floor. But I can't sit still. I'm too worked up. I gotta burn off some of this energy.

I-I need to get out of here.

There's no way I'm gonna be able to sneak out. You're probably guarding the door, making sure I obey you. A dog on a chain. That's what you make me feel like. A fucking dog on a fucking chain!

Shit, I'm about ready to bust down a wall.

I can't stop thinking about everything we said. The words keep playing over and over in my head. It's making me even madder. I can't deal with this. I don't know how…

The only thing I think to do is hit something. That's what I do best. It's all I ever do. According to you.

I can picture your jerk face as I drive my fist into the punching bag. It ain't quite as satisfying as the real thing, but it'll do. So I hit it again.

And again.

And again.

And I'm going to keep hitting it until I figure out how to avoid you for the rest of the week.


	4. Ignore

2

I had to explain everything to Master Splinter. By myself. Again.

Thanks for that.

Sensei doesn't understand why we're always fighting.

Frankly, neither do I.

He didn't appreciate my answer of "I don't know". But what else was I supposed to tell him? Everything I wanted to say…

…Raph's stubborn…

…Raph never listens…

…Raph has a problem with authority…

…Raph never respects me…

…Raph's an all-around ass…

...would have only reflected poorly on me.

I'm the leader. I'm supposed to keep you in check. I'm supposed to be in control. I'm supposed to answer for everything.

Everything!

You? You get to hide in your room. Coward.

Sensei lectured me for the better part of an hour. I could repeat everything he said verbatim. His words are hard to forget.

I think the only thing worse than hearing the disappointment in Father's voice is seeing it in his eyes. That look…it drills into my heart and pumps it full of sadness and shame. It makes me feel like a horrible son, knowing that I failed him.

He told me I had to fix this.

I asked him how.

He said I needed to figure out a way to get through to you.

Yeah, that's really helpful advice.

I sometimes doubt that even Master Splinter knows how to handle you, Raphael.

Meditation isn't helping. I've been sitting here for so long that the candles have burned down to stubs. The only thing I've managed to get out of it is stiff legs.

I can't think of a way to make things right.

I can't bring myself to try and talk to you either.

Not right now.

I'd rather just ignore you for a while.


	5. Refuse

2

Yeah, I see you sitting over there sipping your tea like a prissy little snob…acting like there ain't nothing going on between us…pretending that I ain't sitting across the table from you…

Like I give a damn.

I hope you choke on that nasty shit. How the hell can you even drink that stuff? I bet you do just to imitate Sensei.

Fucking Splinter Junior. I don't think you could be any more like him if you tried. All that's missing is the fur, the tail, and the long nose.

You ain't said one word which suits me just fine. I can actually tolerate you when your stupid mouth is shut.

But the fact that you're so quiet can only mean one thing.

Dear old Dad must have chewed your ass out pretty good last night. You look like a kicked dog. Probably drowning yourself in shame 'cause you "dishonored" him or whatever.

Quit sulking already. It's fucking pathetic.

S'pose it's only a matter of time until Splinter lectures me, too. Great. Can't wait.

I hate being in this goddamn kitchen. Should have gotten up and left the second you strolled in, but Sensei would have made me sit back down, spouting that dumb shit about how a family bonds at the table. What a load of garbage.

Splinter keeps looking over at me and frowning. I know he ain't happy with me, but I don't give a damn about that either. Can't ever make him happy no matter what I do, so what's the fucking point in trying then? The only one who ever does good in his eyes his precious Leonardo.

You can't tell me that parents don't play favorites. That's a crock of shit. They try to be subtle about it, but it's fucking obvious as hell. Shit, a blind man could see that Fearless is number one in Splinter's heart. But I knew that even before Leo became the grand poobah.

Dammit I need to get out of here. I can't eat any faster otherwise I'll puke. It's too late for me to say I ain't hungry when half my plate is gone.

You could cut the tension in this room with a knife.

Mikey is oblivious as hell. Nutball is just sitting there rambling on and on about some stupid new comic book that's coming out.

Donnie's pretending to listen, but he keeps shooting glances at me and Leo. The brainiac knows something's up. Ten to one says he'll try cornering me later to wring some answers outta me.

Good luck with that, bro. It ain't none of your business anyway.

Fuck it. I ain't eating the rest of this. Had enough of you all staring at me.

I refuse to sit here another second.


	6. Ask

2

Stop it.

Stop glaring at me.

Please, just stop it. You're really starting to get on my nerves.

Why don't you pay attention to the food in front of you? You're so busy staring at me you can't put the fork in your mouth without scattering crumbs everywhere. Disgusting. You better clean that up later.

I know you're dying to say whatever's on your mind. The only thing that's keeping you from speaking is Master Splinter sitting here beside me. I'm sure once he's gone you'll start yelling your head off.

Or maybe you'll continue giving me the silent treatment. I think I'd prefer that. But don't do me any favors.

Sensei is still upset with us. His lips always press together like that whenever he's displeased. Every time he looks at me it's like he's asking me why I haven't fixed this yet.

Well, I haven't had the chance.

How could I when you were barricaded in your room all night? Honestly, I was surprised to see you at the table this morning. I figured you would've kept out of sight as much as possible today to lessen your chance of running into me or Father.

I wonder why he hasn't spoken to you yet.

Will he at all? It really wouldn't be fair if he didn't. You're just as responsible for this as I am.

But as the saying goes, life's not fair. I should be used to that by now.

Maybe Master Splinter is tired of lecturing you. I sure as shell am. Nothing we ever say seems to get through to you. I guess your head is just as thick as it is hot.

I catch your eye for a brief second and your eyes darken. Even from across the table I can hear the low growl in your throat as you bare your teeth at me. A sign that you're about to attack, perhaps?

Mikey stopped talking as soon as you made that sound. He's staring at you now, but you don't notice.

You're only looking at me.

I brace myself as you stand from your chair, expecting you to start screaming or punching. Or both.

But you don't do any of that. You slam your utensils down on the table, kick your chair away, and stomp out of the kitchen. The rest of us stare at the door in shock for a while.

Then Donnie turns his attention over to me. I can see the genuine concern on his face.

I shouldn't drag him into this, but…

I silently ask him if he can talk and almost smile when he nods.


	7. understand

2

Everybody tells me I've got a temper.

Hell, I know that.

I just dismembered a practice dummy with my sai for cripes sake!

Fuck. Better clean this up before Sensei sees or he's gonna tear me a new one. I ain't in the mood for another lecture today.

Yeah, I should have known better than to think that he'd let me get off scot-free after I stormed out of the kitchen. Stupid wishful thinking on my part. I didn't even make it halfway across the lair before he ordered me into his room.

I hate being in there. It stinks of nasty ass incense. How the hell anyone can meditate with that crap burning is beyond me. Personally, I'd be too focused on trying not to choke and die on the damn smoke.

My eyes were watering so much, I could barely keep them open. As if that weren't bad enough, I was sweating bullets 'cause Splinter' got it so damn hot in there. Sure didn't improve my attitude when I felt like I could pass out any second from lack of oxygen.

He asked me why I always gotta get so angry. He always asks me that. Don't know why. My answer never changes.

I just do.

He always sighs when I say that. Then he tells me that I ain't dealing with it in a healthy way.

Well, if he's so damn smart, why the fuck doesn't he teach me the right way to deal with it? Ain't that what dads are supposed to do? Help their kids figure shit out?

Instead he just stands there and demands to know why I don't have the same level of self-control as Leonardo.

Why can't I be as disciplined as Leonardo? Why can't be as responsible as Leonardo? Why can't I think things through like Leonardo? Why can't I get along with Leonardo? Why can't I listen to Leonardo? Why can't I learn to obey Leonardo? Why can't I show respect for Leonardo?

Leonardo this…

…and Leonardo that…

Leo.

Leo.

Leo.

Leo.

Leo!

Fuck Leo!

You'd think the sun shines out of his ass the way Splinter goes on about him!

Why does everything always have to be about Fearless and how he's so damn perfect? What about me? How come the only time I ever get noticed is when I do something that upsets the great and powerful leader?

Don't I matter?

I ain't ever gonna be Leo. I'm only ever gonna be me.

Why can't Splinter understand that?


	8. Believe

3

I don't even know where to begin...

The fight with Raph?

Master Splinter's lecture?

How upset I am about this whole situation?

How much it makes me feel like a failure?

How tired I am of being the leader?

I look to you for a prompt. You're just standing in front of your lab bench, waiting patiently for me to say something.

This silence is unbearable.

I take a deep breath…

And suddenly the words are pouring out of me like water from a fountain.

I tell you everything.

The anger I shouldn't have directed at Raph, but did.

The argument I shouldn't have had with Raph, but did.

The things I shouldn't have said to Raph, but did.

The names I shouldn't have called Raph, but did.

The curses I shouldn't have wished upon Raph, but did.

The sacrifices I shouldn't have had to make for Raph, but did.

The resentment I shouldn't have felt towards Raph, but did.

The apology I shouldn't have wanted from Raph, but did.

Sensei's judgment, his disappointment and his punishment.

My desire to be irresponsible for even just one day.

All through my rant, you stand there and listen.

Never interrupting….never reprimanding….

Only listening.

Finally, I stop. There's nothing else I can add. It's all off my chest and I feel a small sense of relief wash over me.

I look to you again, wondering how you'll react.

A few seconds pass before you offer a response.

You say that it's perfectly okay for me to feel the way I do.

You say that Raph is just as much at fault.

You say that he just needs to learn to control his temper.

You say that he doesn't mean half the things he says.

You say that deep down he really does respect me.

You say that he still loves me no matter how many times we fight.

You say that we both need to apologize.

You say that I can't let what Sensei says bother me so much.

You say that you think he was way too harsh.

You say that I'm over-stressed.

You say that I need to take a day and relax.

You say that I need to stop being so hard on myself.

You say that I'm a great leader.

I wish I could believe that…


	9. Run

2

Damn that was close. I almost didn't make it.

Big bro Donnie thought he was going to corner me in the garage. Haha. Nice try, Brainiac, but you're just a little too slow. Hell, I don't think you even made it two steps past the door before I jumped on my bike and peeled outta there.

Pretty sure you shouted my name. It looked like your lips were moving when I glanced at you in the rearview mirror. I couldn't really hear anything through this helmet. Not like I'd care if you were calling me.

Ain't nothing you could say that'd convince me to stay.

I know you spent the whole fucking day with Leo and I know what you two were talking about while you were holed in the lab together.

Me. You were talking about me.

Leo always runs crying to you after a fight. He tells you every fucking thing, shit that should stay between me and him. Only he tells it in a way that makes him look like the victim just to get your sympathy.

And it works. You always take his side.

I figured you were coming to chew my ass out for hurting our dear leader's feelings and make me apologize.

Well, you can just forget it!

I ain't apologizing for nothing! This fight ain't my fault! It's all on Leo!

You'll never believe that though, Donnie-boy. You'll just say that I'm acting out 'cause I'm jealous of Fearless.

Like hell I am!

I don't envy that giant stick he's got shoved up his ass!

Man, I'm glad I left when I did. I couldn't stand being in the lair anymore. It's depressing being in a place where everyone only thinks of you as a fuck up.

I needed to take my bike for a ride anyway. It's been too long.

Sure is a lot easier to breathe out here.

Ain't hardly anybody out either. Perfect. Just the way I like it. The road's all mine.

Time to open up the throttle and let my baby run.


	10. Careful

You weren't supposed to leave the lair. Not for the next two weeks.

No excursions to the surface. No nights out with Casey. No motorcycle.

Those were the specifics of the punishment that Master Splinter gave you.

But you left anyway, on your motorcycle, and you're probably headed over to Casey's place.

Not even a full day in to your sentence and you've already blown it. There's a shocker.

No one else in this family has a problem following rules. Only you do, Raphael. Why is that?

You are not above the rules! Why do you think that they don't apply to you?

Rules are not optional! You can't break them just because you don't like them! Why can't you comprehend that?

Don't you realize how immature you are being? Grow up already! Learn to be responsible and accept the consequence of your actions!

Stop running away all the time!

If you were half as brave as you think you are, you wouldn't have left! You would have stayed home to confront me! But no, you just got on that damn bike of yours and sped off!

You do this every time we disagree about something! That is why we can never solve our problems! How am I supposed to talk with you to work things out if you're not here?

You arrogant…

…inconsiderate…

…stubborn…

…hot head!

You are by far the most selfish person that I know!

I swear the only thing you care about more than yourself is your stupid motorcycle! You're always fawning over it! You treat it better than any living thing!

I don't know what possessed Donatello to build it for you!

It's made you even more of a reckless idiot than before! I've seen how fast you drive on it, weaving in and out of cars, swerving all over the streets! How you've managed to keep from killing yourself is beyond me!

I wish you didn't have that damn bike!

I wish…

…I wish you'd be more careful.


	11. Move

Should've known you'd be waiting for me to get home.

Goddamn mother hen. Making sure all you're little chicks follow you around the barnyard while clucking your stupid head off.

Hell, I ain't even got my ass off my bike and you're already laying into me. You could at least wait until I remove my helmet. On second thought, maybe I should keep it on so I don't have to hear you. But knowing you, you'd probably try to yank it off.

Ol' Fearless hates being ignored.

Well tough shit. I ain't sticking around here to listen to you throw a conniption fit. Get the hell out of my way.

No, I will not stay and….

Don't you fucking grab my arm! Let go!

Why do you always gotta be breathing down my neck?! For fuck's sake, back the hell off! I need my space, okay?! Now let go!

Yeah, I do know that we aren't supposed to leave the lair! I obviously don't give a fuck!

Why did I do it?

To get the hell away from you!

I don't give a shit if Splinter knows! Go ahead and tattle! That's all you ever do! Run and tell daddy that Raphael was a bad boy again! Make yourself look even better, you little kiss ass!

No, I don't have to tell you where I went! Ain't none of your damn business!

So what if I was out with Casey?! He, unlike you, knows how to have a good time!

We don't "play" vigilante! We're doing our jobs! Stopping dumbasses from doing shit that's against the law and stopping 'em from hurting other people! That ain't any different from what you have us doing every other night of the week! You're just pissy 'cause I ain't under your control when Casey and I do it ourselves!

My arm is bandaged because it's bleeding, dumbass!

It's just a fucking scratch, Leo! I ain't gonna die!

I don't know how I got it! It doesn't fucking matter! I'm gonna be fine!

No, I ain't going to Donnie! It's not that bad, I told you! Quit worrying about it and get out of my way!

Oh, you just want to talk? Yeah right!

Sorry! Not interested!

I said….get out of my way!

Damn, that felt good to pop you in the mouth.

Don't look so surprised. You had to have known that was coming!

Come on, hit me back, Fearless….I dare you…

What, not even gonna try? Oh, let me guess, you're gonna be the bigger turtle, take the high road, and keep your hands to yourself?

Tch, whatever.

Now move.


	12. Go

Where are you, Raph?

It's been over four hours now. Why aren't you back yet?

Damn it, Raph. I've told you a hundred times before not to leave without your shell cell. I guess you "forgot" it on the floor of your room. Not that I'd expect you to answer it anyway if you had taken it along. You ignore my calls even when you're not mad at me.

I should have Donnie put a tracker on your stupid bike. That way I can at least know that you're still moving and not-…

Finally!

Raphael, it is two thirty in the morning! Do you have any idea how worried I've been?!

I know you see me standing here! Quit acting like you don't! You have a lot of explaining to do!

Raph! Wait!

I grab your arm because it's only thing I can think to do to stop you from leaving. Right away, I realize that it was a bad idea. Your eyes are shooting daggers at me as you grab hold of my shoulder strap and yank me forward to growl in my face.

No, I'm not letting go until we talk things out!

You were told to stay home! Why did you leave?

When Master Splinter finds out that you disobeyed his orders…

You interrupt me by shoving me in the chest. Push me all you want, Raph. I'm not backing off!

Why do you always assume that I'm going to tell Splinter?! You're not exactly discreet about your trips to the surface!

Tell me where you went! Were you with Casey or not?!

Your response that it's none of my business tells me that you were. I can feel a growl rise in my throat.

Why do you insist on playing vigilante with him? You two do more harm than good and…

My words die when I catch sight on something on your arm. A bandage? Why is it there? How did I not see it before now?

I reach out to touch it, but you slap my hand away.

Tell me what happened. You may not think it's a big deal, Raph, but I do.

If you won't tell me, at least go have Donnie look at it!

You try to push past me again, but I'm not moving.

Raph, please, I just want to talk.

Raph…

Damn, that hurt. You caught me off guard. And you split my lip open. I can feel a drop of blood dribbling down my chin.

Your pose is defensive. You're ready to fight.

Raph…

…forget it.

Just go.


End file.
